God, I Need You
A lot of us would readily say, “Yes, I know I need God.” But until you’re in a situation where you can hardly get going in the morning because of pain and heartache, then you may not know what it means to actually need him. At least I didn’t.
Walking through the valley of the shadow of death with my dad was one of the first times I understood that God is more than just my Savior. He was my peace and strength I needed to get out of bed and drive almost two hours every week and sleep in a waiting room—when I was scared that at any moment a doctor would come and say my dad was gone.
Those moments were the scariest of my life, far worse than the times when the man in the coma had loomed over our home with an angry scowl.
I learned how to wait on God and seek a deeper understanding of him. James 4:8 promises that if you draw near to God, he will draw near to you. I memorized that verse years earlier, but now I experienced it in a different way than just memorizing it to quote it. I experienced it as the lifeblood for me to wake up and move each day. When God changed my perspective, he changed everything.
As painful as it was, I went to God with my questions instead of running away in denial. I found the peace he promises to give.
Just admitting to myself I didn’t have it all together and needed help shed scales from my eyes. In my unsteadiness I saw how God isn’t shaken by my circumstances.
My family noticed the change. So many times I had been the guy my family and friends could count on when they struggled, but I was never the one to lean on anyone else.
I found out the heartbreaking way that I don’t need to lean on my own strength and understanding and that God holds true to his promise—he will never leave us or forsake us. Even in my strongest times, I’m fragile. In short, I learned it’s OK not to be OK, and not being OK doesn’t make me a bad Christian. It just makes me a human who doesn’t hold the world in my hands.
I also learned I’m not meant to carry other people. Comfort them? Yes. Encourage them? Yes. Help bear their burdens by praying with them? Yes. Through that season my family leaned on me, but here is where I learned that sometimes people need to be led to fall apart too.
It was healthy for my family to see I wasn’t just trying to be strong for the sake of image, but I was trying to deal with it through prayer and faith. Our culture presses us to paint on a mask, buck up, be strong, and conquer. Not much transparency comes with that philosophy.
My family learned something about me at the same time I learned it about myself: I can’t handle every situation. I wasn’t meant to do so. When we set up our lives not to need God, we may never know him.
Through a pain I never would’ve elected for my family and myself, I discovered what it meant to meet with the Lord, to intentionally and purposefully meet with him, and only then did I find out more of God’s character and essence.
